Changes

It is amazing how much can change in the matter of only a few months. Even how much feelings can change. For four years, you can love someone unconditionally; be willing to do anything for them; put them above everyone and everything else. Then in the matter of only a few months, those feelings can go from unconditional love to all encompassing hatred. Two completely opposite ends of the spectrum. I never thought I could be so consumed by hatred for someone until now. I never thought that he would have the power to hurt me more after things were over than he ever did when we were together. If this had been a normal breakup with no kids involved, I would have just said goodbye and never talked to or thought about him again. But it isn't normal. We have a kid together. It changes everything and is the very reason that I never wanted to hate him. We have to be in each others lives for the rest of them. 

During this time, my feelings have changed for another person. This one isn't as unusual in normal circumstances. People experience this all the time. The change of going from someone being a complete stranger to something more than that. My old relationship has been over now for almost three months. I have known this other person for only a month. From the beginning, there had been this intense connection between us. Even over text, we were so similar in our humor and experiences. When we talked on the phone for the first time, I could feel sparks between us; this inexplicable pull toward him. Since then, those feelings have only intensified. We haven't "gone out" much. Most of our time together is staying in. Things are just so comfortable between us. It's like we've known each other our whole lives, yet we have so much to learn about each other. It seems crazy that in only a month I have gone from barely knowing this guy to falling in... that word is still too scary and yet I feel it creeping up every time I talk to him and see him. I have to shove it down, hold it in every time we end a conversation not to end it with I l... you. I've taken to saying the little l word more often to try to keep the big l word at bay. So far it has worked, but it creeps up in my dreams, when my subconscious has the control. 

I never thought I would ever love anyone else except for Ryan. How wrong I had been. But in order to have this new relationship, everything that happened with Ryan was necessary. I wouldn't be the person I am today and would never have met this new guy, if I hadn't lobed Ryan for four years and had a child with him. I don't regret our relationship. I only regret the new feelings I have for him. I can't change those just yet, but I hope one day that we can move past it.