Changes

It is amazing how much can change in the matter of only a few months. Even how much feelings can change. For four years, you can love someone unconditionally; be willing to do anything for them; put them above everyone and everything else. Then in the matter of only a few months, those feelings can go from unconditional love to all encompassing hatred. Two completely opposite ends of the spectrum. I never thought I could be so consumed by hatred for someone until now. I never thought that he would have the power to hurt me more after things were over than he ever did when we were together. If this had been a normal breakup with no kids involved, I would have just said goodbye and never talked to or thought about him again. But it isn't normal. We have a kid together. It changes everything and is the very reason that I never wanted to hate him. We have to be in each others lives for the rest of them. 

During this time, my feelings have changed for another person. This one isn't as unusual in normal circumstances. People experience this all the time. The change of going from someone being a complete stranger to something more than that. My old relationship has been over now for almost three months. I have known this other person for only a month. From the beginning, there had been this intense connection between us. Even over text, we were so similar in our humor and experiences. When we talked on the phone for the first time, I could feel sparks between us; this inexplicable pull toward him. Since then, those feelings have only intensified. We haven't "gone out" much. Most of our time together is staying in. Things are just so comfortable between us. It's like we've known each other our whole lives, yet we have so much to learn about each other. It seems crazy that in only a month I have gone from barely knowing this guy to falling in... that word is still too scary and yet I feel it creeping up every time I talk to him and see him. I have to shove it down, hold it in every time we end a conversation not to end it with I l... you. I've taken to saying the little l word more often to try to keep the big l word at bay. So far it has worked, but it creeps up in my dreams, when my subconscious has the control. 

I never thought I would ever love anyone else except for Ryan. How wrong I had been. But in order to have this new relationship, everything that happened with Ryan was necessary. I wouldn't be the person I am today and would never have met this new guy, if I hadn't lobed Ryan for four years and had a child with him. I don't regret our relationship. I only regret the new feelings I have for him. I can't change those just yet, but I hope one day that we can move past it. 

Nonfunctional Human Person

You would think that after 24 years on this planet we call Earth, that I would have learned that I cannot function on less than 2 hours of sleep after being awake for 24 hours the day before. Or even just only getting 2 hours of sleep. Apparently I have not learned this very valuable life lesson because here I sit at work unable to function or speak in proper sentences and definitely unable to do my job.
It was worth staying up. I had a good time and wouldn't have traded that time for a couple extra hours of sleep. But I am definitely hurting for sleep now. The level of exhaustion that I am at right now is painful. My whole body aches, I feel like I am going to vomit, I'm away but my brain is in jumbles. The quad shot of espresso that I drank when I got here has not helped at all. I want more espresso but I know that it will only make me jittery. I think I will have some more when I go back up after my 10 is over. More espresso just sounds like a good idea. Maybe another quad shot!!
When I got to work, I was definitely pulling it together, but as the day has worn on, I have gone on a downward spiral. I even put iced coffee into someone's hot decaf coffee earlier and had to remake the whole drink. On several occasions, my coworker has told me that I need to just go home because I am a mess. I feel like a zombie. Let's just hope that exhaustion is not the first step towards eating other humans' brains. I already know that I wouldn't do well with that outcome.
I definitely need to learn when to say goodbye to whoever I am hanging out with so that I may get some much needed rest. But my social life has no time if it isn't happening when I should be sleeping. I will just have to try to make up for it tonight. Hopefully all goes well. Although I will most likely want to go to the gym early tomorrow morning. So I doubt I will be getting much sleep. Oh well. You win some, you lose some.

The Ever Confusing Game of Dating

I have recently rejoined the world of dating. I have got to say that I don't think I was ever a part of it before. So maybe what I should be saying is that I have recently decided that I would like to try this thing called dating that I have heard people are doing these days. 

After 4 years with the same person, I am now single. This is odd for me since this is the first time I have been single in 4 years. That is a very long time. And before I was even in my recent relationship, I never did much dating. I didn't have many suitors either. I am currently dating and I would like to say that it is not easy. How is it possible to like two guys at once and have at least three other guys interested in you that you could care less about even talking to nonetheless dating? Well that's kind of the boat that I am in. 

I don't know how to handle this. It's hard enough juggling conversations with multiple people. Not to mention actually going on dates with them. Add in the fact that I have a 2 year old son and 2 jobs. Holy Fuck! How do I even have time?! Somehow I'm making the time...

I've got to be honest though. I definitely am starting to prefer one guy over the other. He's very much affectionate and I have never had that. It's a nice change. Things are relaxed and carefree and COMFORTABLE. I have one known this guy for a couple weeks and I am already so comfortable with him. I am scared out of my fucking mind!! I am not used to feeling this way. Feeling so connected to someone so soon. Feeling warm and comfortable. Feeling like I could talk to and see him every day for the rest of my life and not get sick of it. What is WRONG with me?! What happened to the emotionless robot that I once was once upon a time? 

For those of you wondering what happened to the boyfriend and me, I will not go into it. All you need to know is that I lost weight and became super confident and decided I was done with bull shit. I deserve everything awesome because let's face it, I am fucking AWESOME!! I am now a hot single mom and I am definitely not hurting for dates. But I still do not know how to date. I never did it before. I've pretty much been a serial monogamist my whole dating life. Except the few hook-ups I've had and those weren't dates and never went anywhere and had no emotional ties involved whatsoever. What do you do when you have emotions? Yes, I am asking about emotions. I'm not used to having them. The fact that I had moved on from my baby's father as soon as I decided to end things tells you how little emotion I have. And now my emotions are leaking through and they want anything they can get their hands on. Someone make it STOP! Emotions are too scary.

I think I went on a tangent far away from my original intention of thus particular blog post. It has also been awhile since I've been part of this blogging game so please forgive my scatter brain. Although, let's face it, I have always been a bit scatter brained with my posts. I'm easing back into this just fine :) I hope you enjoyed reading. I promise to try to be more consistent now. But as I stated earlier, I am a single mom of a toddler working two jobs and dating. I don't know where I'm finding time to do any of that, plus being a blogger. We'll just have to see how well I do with getting back on both horses. 

Wish me luck!!!