Not Just My Decision Anymore

Now that I have a baby, all of my decisions need to factor him in. I can't just make a decision to do something without first considering how it will effect Karson. This makes all of my difficult life decisions that much more difficult. My most recent difficult decision: Whether to go back to work or not and where to go if I do.

My Options:
Go back to work. This is split into two subcategories: Beans and Brews or Babies R Us. Pros of B&B: I could work early in the morning or late in the afternoon which would ensure that I have someone to watch Karson. I've worked there for a year now and so I know they will work with my schedule. I applied for the assistant manager though this is only a plus if I get the position. Cons of B&B: Everyone that I have worked with so far has left or plans to leave. Beans doesn't always take very good care of its employees. I would have to continue to drive all the way down to Murray to work. Pros of Babies R Us:  It is much closer to my house than Beans. It sounds like they treat their employees better. If I get a discount, then I would be able to get everything that Karson might need. I would be making a definite $7.75 rather than a definite $6.90. Cons of Babies R Us: They are looking to fill their 11-6 or 10-7 shifts which would possibly mean leaving Karson with a stranger or taking him to a day care; I don't trust either of those yet.
 Go back to work only on the weekends. This would not work with Beans and Brews. There is no way I could do just weekends there as a supervisor or assistant manager and I do not want to be demoted to a barista. This might work with Babies R Us and maybe I could do weekends and one day during the week. I'll have to ask at my interview today. Con of only working weekends: Not enough money. I need money to continue to pay my bills and to pay for medical bills (having a baby is expensive).
Become a stay at home mom and have Ryan pick up a second job. Pros: I wouldn't be worried that Karson was in the wrong hands. I would be able to focus on school. Cons: I would feel bad that Ryan was doing all of the work. I am not comfortable with Ryan paying for all my bills (we aren't married so he doesn't owe me that). I would never really have help with Karson. I would rarely get to see Ryan.

Now Taking all of that into consideration, most of my options have several cons associated with them.  I really have to think about what is best for Ryan, Karson, and myself. For me, I really want to go back to work. I need to be able to get out of the house and do something productive occasionally. It is the only thing that will keep me sane. For Ryan, I don't think he really cares. He was the one who told me to just stay home and he'll get a second job. He also told me to just go to work and take Karson to day care. Most day cares don't take babies under a certain age so that poses a problem. Ryan is no help. For Karson, I really don't know what's best for him. I feel that being with his mom is important but if I'm stressed and unhappy, he will be too. So how do I make a decision that will be best for all of us? This would be a little easier if I knew that Costco could either give Ryan a set schedule or if I got a set schedule, they would work with Ryan to schedule him around that. But they don't or maybe Ryan just doesn't want to. Either way, that makes it harder for me to go back to work. If I knew that Ryan's days off would always be Monday and Friday or that he would always work after three on Wednesday, then I could ask for my schedule to work with his schedule. But his schedule stays relatively the same for a while and then suddenly changes. I never know when he'll work and it even changes as he's working. How am I supposed to go back to work when his schedule is so unreliable? Hell, how is he supposed to get a second job? I'm even more confused as to what to do now than I was before this post. I am open for suggestions from anyone that has them. I don't know how to make this decision.

One Month

On October 3, 2012, at 11:31, after 14 hours of labor and two and a half hours of pushing, I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy. Karson Michael Gordon weighed 7 pounds 1 ounce and measured at 19-1/2 inches long. He was perfect and perfectly healthy. I watched Ryan cry as he stood by my side waiting for our baby to be cleaned. I told him that he could go be by our son; he didn't have to stand next to me; I'd be ok. Karson screamed until they finally placed him next to me while I was getting stitched up. As soon as he heard my voice he quieted down. I asked him if he was hungry. He made a tiny sound that sounded like he was saying "yeah".

We spent two days in the hospital. Coming home was a little difficult. The first two days home, Ryan and I tried to sleep at night with Karson in the bassinet next to the bed. We didn't get any sleep. We worked out a sleep schedule. I sleep first and then Ryan sleeps. The person who is awake stays upstairs with Karson sleeping in the boppy pillow on the couch next to us. Now we both get more sleep, though I still get less than Ryan does. I have to wake up to feed Karson when he gets hungry.

It is hard to believe that it has already been a month since I brought Karson home from the hospital. He is still so tiny although he is getting bigger every day. At two weeks, he already weighed 8 pounds.

The top picture is Karson the day we brought him home sleeping in his boppy pillow. The bottom picture is him today. 

Being a mom is such a different experience. It is hard not to get frustrated sometimes, but no matter what, I love Karson with all my heart.

And the baby is...

A BOY!!! That's right. I am going to have a little, adorable baby boy. It's pretty exciting. We went to the ultrasound on Friday and when the ultrasound lady said, "You're having a boy. Look, there's his little scrotum and his little penis." I looked up at the screen and I could not see it but I took her word for it. Then she moved down by this legs and he opened them up and there it was. It was undeniable. It is definitely a boy with his teeny tiny peanut. Afterward my boyfriend made a comment that was a little inappropriate but super funny. He said, "Now you will always have a penis inside you." At least for the next five months this will be true.

Now we need to come up with a name. Ryan is no help in this part. He constantly shoots out names that are ridiculous. Like Perseus and Ichigo. With a name like Perseus our kid will constantly be made fun of. With a name like Ichigo, every time a new teacher takes role, they will see his name and immediately start searching for an Asian kid. They will not find one. Instead it will be the little white kid. Not gonna happen. Of course, every name that I mention, Ryan shoots down. Jensen. "That's a gay name." Shawn. "I don't want to name our kid after that fat ass." We just cannot agree to anything. Of course, the names that he mentioned were just jokes. The only name that he has seriously suggested and really wants is Brady. After Tom Brady. I don't know how I feel about this name. It's cute for a little kid but what about when he grows up? Will he still want that name? Will he want a more manly name? Should we plan for a name that can be shortened to a cute little kid nickname but is also an adult name? This is way too hard. If anyone has suggestions, I will take them.

One in a Million

"You're pregnant." When I heard these words three months ago, I could barely believe it. There's no way that I could be pregnant, I thought. I was on the IUD. That in an of itself is supposed to prevent pregnancy. Plus my boyfriend always pulled out. We literally had a one in a million chance to get pregnant. We should have been playing the lottery instead of having sex. We would have had much better results. The worst part was that my twenty first birthday was coming up in a month. Now I'm never going to be able to drink, I thought.
Here I am, sixteen weeks into my pregnancy and I can still barely believe it. Even with the ultrasound from week seven and hearing the heartbeat two weeks ago. It still doesn't make sense. Although I guess it does explain the nausea, vomiting, fatigue, super huge and tender breasts, and the rampant emotions. My poor boyfriend has had to put up with so much these past few months. I'm surprised he hasn't ripped my head off yet. He hasn't even turned twenty yet, I'm the person he lost his virginity to, and now he's going to have a baby. Though, lucky him, he doesn't have to push it through his gains in about six months. Nope. That'll be me. I'll be the one screaming at the top of my lungs in absolute agony while he stands there and lets me squeeze the life out of his hand. He'll also have to deal with me cursing him for putting me in that situation, but that is a small price to pay for not having to give birth to a huge as baby. Something that big is not meant to come out of something that small. It doesn't seem fair, but I guess there is no going back now.