So here is a facebook conversation that my friend and I just had about Douchebag. I left all the typos in for two reasons. 1. I was too lazy to go fix them. 2. I felt like it was more honest this way. I hope you enjoy this. If not, I apologize. I enjoyed it and that's all that matters. I also apologize in advance for the swear words. If you find swear words offensive, don't read this post. Here's the convo:
Me: i'm on
Semele: And off again?
Me: no not off again
still on
Semele: Ok
I texted him.
"I need to talk to you."
He apparently tries to call, then texts me that he tried to call. I said no you didn't. He calls
We talk.
Briefly
He's at a softball game.
He wants to know what I need to talk about.
Me: weird
Semele: I realize in that one horrifying moment that I have absolutely no fucking clue what I need to talk to him about.
I talk him into calling me back after his game, and giving me time to collect my thoughts.
So
I need help.
Collecting thoughts.
That are mine.
Me: hahaha ok
I love you first of all
Semele: I hate me.
But that's besides the point
Me: second of all: lay your thoughts on me and we'll collect them
third of all stop saying that
Semele: Haha you want my drunken hypercardiac thoughts?
Hypercardiac isn't a word btw.
I made it up.
Me: oh Semele
Semele: Because I couldn't describe "My heart rate is dramatically incrased" in a way that made sense in that sentence.
And I"m a little drink.
drunk
But the typo's are not me being drunk.
Those are the shaking hands.
Me: oh Semele I'm sorry
Semele: I'm actually not that drunk.
It's the hypercardiacness making it seem that way.
Ok so
This is what I have so far.
Laying my thoughts out in pages.
I need to talk to you.
About what?
That's a good goddamn question.
So I could pose a question asking if he's ok in our current situation.
But that sounds gay as fuck.
So I could just ask him nicely to be mean to me so I can hate him and then in time forget about him.
But I don't think he'd go for htat.
that*
Or, last thought, I could tell him a psychic told me he's my soulmate.
But that doesn't explain what I need to talk to him about.
Which was a stupid text to send in the first place.
Because the reason why I wanted to talk to him was because I didn't know what to talk to him about.
Which is also quite asinine.
I hope I spelled that right.
Me: yeah you did
Semele: Ok good.
So that's where I'm at.
Me: hmmm... well...
you could tell him that a psychic told you he was your soul mate and then ask him how he feels about it
though that sounds gay too
Semele: It does.
Me: No matter what you say you are going to sound like a pussy
there's no way around it
Semele: No. There is.
Me: ok
how?
Semele: THAT"S WHY YOU"RE HERE>
Me: oh right
because I think with my penis
Semele: No that's not good.
we wouldn't get anything done.
And then you'd have a penis.
Both horrible things to consider.
Because I have the course of one softball game to sober up and figure this out.
Me: so true
Semele: And you have a boyfriend.
Me: But we are supposed to be soul mates Semele
Semele: Would you like me to copy and paste what you've laid out so you can see our progress?
Brooke’s suggestions:
Gayness
Followed by doubt and more gayness
Gayness
Followed by doubt and more gayness
This is bad. I'm about to start laughing hysterically.
Me: hahaha thats a perfect summation
Semele: The giggles are bubbling up.
Me: hmmm...
Semele: And not like cute giggles. Maniacal giggles.
Me: how do we stop them from bubbling
I know!
Semele: PROGESS DAMN IT
WE NEED PROGRESS
Me: it's like a bottle of soda when you accidently shake it then try to open it
you just need to open it very slowly
Semele: Haha no. We're keeping the lid on until progress is made.
Me: ok
we can do that
Semele: Ok os
so
Me: how do we progress
Semele: He's going to call and be like "Ok, so what's up? What do you need to talk to me about?"
I need a response.
Me: ummm... "I need to talk to you about how my life is spiraling out of control."?
Semele: Oh and
While he says this, he'll be completely calm and non-chalant.
Haha no I am not an emo song.
Me: so true
hmmm...
Semele: I could be honest I guess.
Me: "I need to talk to you about why you are such a douche bag and why you have to be my soul mate even though I hate you."?
Semele: Ok that will be the response if I'm still drunk.
Me: I can accept thar
that*
Semele: Ok so
If I'm sober.
Honesty?
Me: yes
Semele: "I know we're not talking, and that's been going really well. I wasn't even thinking about you anymore. And then... something happened....
Me: what is the honesty?
oh yes go with that
Semele: Ok he'll say, "Ok really? What's that." All non-chalant and calm like.
And I'll say, "I saw... a psychic."
Me: and he'll say "Oh God Semele"
all non chalant and valm
calm*
Semele: No distressed at having to deal with yet another crazy romantic interest.
So I wrote an enhanced version of my sober response.
Me: that too
Semele: Would you like to read it?
Me: ok yes I do
Semele: “I know we’re not talking anymore. Because you’re an ass, and only wanted me for my hot body. And that was going really well. I wasn’t even thinking about you anymore. And then... something happened...”
=]
I just started another glass of wine btw.
3rd one.
Me: I love it more than the first one
Semele: Good.
Me: I envy you right now
Semele: Don't.
Be happy with your current stress free fairly simple life.
Me: I mean the drinking part
I have stress
caused by these headaches
Semele: Again, don't be. I have a feeling this isn't going to end well for me if I can't stop.
Me: which causes more stress
which causes strokes
Semele: This is a prime example of drinking for the wrong reason.
Is there a right reason? One might ask.
Me: Peer pressure by family memberes
members
*
Semele: Why yes, drinking to lower your inhibitions to the point where dancing on a table seems fun, not frightening and demeaning.
Anyway. Back to Douche-Bag.
Me: Or drinking to lower your inhibitions so that you can give your boyfriend an effective blow job
Semele: Only the effective part will be decreased as alcohol consumption increases.
We should draw a graph.
AFTER WE FIX MY FUCKING LOVE LIFE YOU HORRIBLE DISTRACTING PERSON!
Me: hahaha sorry
i had a rasberry stick
i'm a little bit hyper
Semele: I had a cake pop
BAM I WIN.
Ok
Me: Bitch!
Semele: So after he asks what I say...
Me: ok back to douche bag you easily distracted person
Semele: Hello? Drunk?
You? Sober.
Who's the responsibile one here?
I'm guessing hte one who can spell responsible .
Oh shit.
Me: ummm... Klera?
Semele: Where is she?
IS SHE HIDING IN THE SHADOWS/2/
@@?
?!?!
*
Me: no in the closet
Semele: Would you like to coax her out? Hahaha
Me: she's like Jenna from Pretty little Liars
Bitch
Semele: For those blog goers that was a refrence to the time brookie here made out with a 32 year old lesbian.
Me: I'm not posting that
Semele: You'd better.
Me: Make me!
Semele: How can you expect people to want to follow your life if you edit out the funny/interesting
parts?
Me: ugh
Semele: If I wrote a blog, I'd write about the time I got drunk and peed on a state troopers driveway.
Me: fine i'll post it
hahaha oh Semele
Semele: The empty water bottle holding the liquor ended up in his mailbox.
Me: I should write about the time I called facebook
Semele: Not my brightest night.
Me: or the time I peed on a tree
Semele: Next to a swingset with kids on it?
Me: yup
didn't even know they were there
Semele: So brooke has successfully failed her responsibility test everyone.
Me: How so?
Semele: She's a horrible keeper-on-tracker.
Me: oh hahaha thats
that*
oops
Semele: Ok stop feeding off my drunkness.
Me: I think I have ADD or something
I'm feeding off the Rasberry sticks
Semele: STOP EATING THEM.
Me: Klera won't let me!
Semele: SO SHE IS THERE!
Me: Yes
i said that earlie
earlier*
Semele: Do you guys have skype? This would go better with skype.
No you said she was in a closet.
Me: oh yeah
but I deleted it
she came out
Semele: One of you has to ahve skype.
Me: and was like "Brooke, aaaahhhh, I'm creepy and have no eyes"
she doesn't have her computer with her
Semele: so download it.
Me: it's been destroying my computer
Semele: Ugh fine
Me: but I can try if you want
Semele: Then at least stay on target.
So he says "Ok, what's this mysterious thing that happened to you?
"
Me: ok
and you say
I had a dream that we got married
Semele: Or
Me: In case he doesn't believe in psychics
everyone believes in dreams
Semele: "Something that made me start thinking about you again, and offered me insight into our... situation."
Me: that works too
Semele: Again, I am going to copy and paste your contribution to this conversation.
Brooke’s suggestions:
Gayness
Followed by doubt and more gayness
If drunk: "I need to talk to you about why you are such a douche bag and why you have to be my soul mate even though I hate you."
Followed by doubt and more gayness
If drunk: "I need to talk to you about why you are such a douche bag and why you have to be my soul mate even though I hate you."
Me: then he says and what insight
thanks Semele
Semele: No brooke.
thank you.
Me: you are welcome
I try my hardest
so he asks "What insight" or "What thing exactly?
"
you say...
Semele: I don't know!
Me: hmmm... me neither
what is your insight on this topc
topic*
it can't be that he's your soulmate
or do you really believe that?
Semele: Well for one that his bat shit crazy ex was still treating him like her property.
But I can't very well tell him I know that without bringing up psychics.
Me: Ok good
Hmmm...
say that you had a dream that his batshit crazy ex still treats him like he's her property
Semele: Haha but what if he is my soulmate brooke?
And Klera hiding in the closet
Or corner or wahtever.
Me: ummm... I say fuck soul mates
be with me
Semele: I'm being serious.
Me: Klera says "Then God is like a retarded hippo"
Semele: I know right
No the South Park god.
!
Me: I still say fuck soul mates
they don't really exist
the world is too over populated
there are like five soul mates per person
Semele: Or maybe
No I ahve no idea
Ok so what next.
Me: idk...
do you think that Douchebag is worth it
?
Semele: I DON'T HAVE ANSWERS TO ANY OF THESE CONVERSATIONS!
Me: thats because you are drunk
Semele: No that's why I got drunk.
Me: true and now you are drunk and still can't figure out the answers
and I can't answer them for you because only you can decide
wow I sound like some old wise man who never gives you answers only more questions in the form of riddles
which makes it even more confusing because then you're like what does a bus have to do with this
Semele: Or an idiot
But whatever.
Me: thank you Semele
Semele: My pleasure
I'm going to take a nap and sober up.
Me: Yeah I know it is
ok you do that
and keep me updated on what happens
Semele: Ok I'll give you a look into the future "shit hits the fan."
Me: well that's a given
but I would like to know exactly how it hits the fan
Semele: In an upwards motion?
Me: but what about the fallout?
Semele: Shit all over the walls, furniture, and people in the room?
Me: Klera asks what about the trajectory
Semele: It would depend on how fast the fan was moving.
Me: hahaha which people is it going to land on besides you and Douchebag
Semele: And at what speed (and what amount of shit) the shit hit the fan.
Me: so true
I'll let Klera know
Semele: Well maybe Douchebag's ex. That would be satisfactory.
Me: yes it would
not for her though
because she'd be covered in shit
Semele: Satisfactory =]
Me: hahaha yes
Semele: Good night guys
Me: goodnight Semele
Semele: Tell Klera I said "Don't get brooke too drunk, she' might decide to drag you out of the
closet."
Me: Klera says "I love you"
Semele: I love you both too.
Niiiggghhhttt!!!
Me: night
sleep tight
don't let the bed bugs bite
No comments:
Post a Comment