First Day Blunder

It has been a long time since my last blog. I apologize for that. I've been so busy with work and Ryan. I like being busy with Ryan. I am no longer busy with work. I am pretty sure I was fired. Let me tell you how my first day went and why I think I was fired.

My first few days didn't really count because we were just remodeling the store. That was the easy part of my job. It was going well. I was bonding with the other employees. Especially the other two Brookes. I kept thinking, "Wow! This job is going to be great!" Then the first day I had to work after the remodel was here. I was so nervous. I spent all my time before going to work getting ready. I put on more make up than usual. I wore a dress that I had bought the day before and matching jewelry. I straightened my hair and put a ribbon in it. I looked so cute. Not to brag about myself. I'll put a picture up at the end of this post. I got to work and was still way nervous. There were already a couple of customers in the store. Luckily they were already being helped so I had time to try to collect myself before having to jump into work.

I have already mentioned how much I hate talking to strangers and how nervous I was for work in my past posts.

It came time for me to actually step up and do my job. A customer came into the store. I walked up to her and with all I could muster I said Hello. It came out in a tiny scared voice that was barely audible. I tried again. It came out a little louder. She said hello back. I asked how she was doing today. She was doing well. "Can I help you find anything?" "No I'm just browsing." "Let me know if I can help you find anything." BAD!!! You never say that to a customer. You ask them more questions. My manager came over and told me that. Next customer comes in. Same thing up until the "just browsing." "Well, are you looking for more tops or bottoms?" BETTER!!! "I'm just looking!" *Cowers in fear* Fail again. Then came the third customer. Same questions. "I just got a promotion at my job, so I'm looking for something professional." SCORE!!! I helped her find two outfits. The total came to a hundred dollars. Only $150 to go to reach my goal of the day. The next hour didn't go too well. It went  just like the first few customers. I was sent home an hour early with the words "This is your warning. Next time you come to work, you need to do better or you won't be working here anymore." I went home sad and scared. Picked up Ryan still sad. I went through the rest of the week freaking out about my job and worrying that I would get fired. On Wednesday I got a call from Beans and Brews about an interview. I think I rocked it. I got a call for a second interview that same day. I should find out by tomorrow If I got the job. On Saturday I called Vanity to find out what my schedule was. I am no longer on the schedule. What do you guys think? Do you think that means that I don't have the job anymore? I think it does. Well. I just hope I got the job at Beans and Brews.

Here's the picture I promised you. See how cute I was. And I took this picture at like ten or eleven at night. I looked much cuter earlier that day.

UPDATE: I lost that job.... Currently searching for a new one. 

Blogs

So when I decided to write a blog, I thought a few things.
1. I would have lots of time to spend on writing it.
2. I would have a lot to talk about.
3. People would enjoy reading what I write.
4. I would soon become really popular.

This is what ended up happening.
1. I came home and ended up with more of a life than I had before. Mostly spending time with my boyfriend.
2. My life isn't all that interesting now that I don't have to worry about taking care of myself.
3. I'm lucky if I get one page view in a day.
4. Same as number 3.

This is a disappointment that I am not sure I can get over. All of my dreams ride on this blog. Ok. So that is an over exaggeration. My dreams and future do not rely on this blog. I plan on being a teacher/writer. The plan to be a writer is being shot down by my fear that I will fail. Yet I keep writing this blog even though I fear I will fail at it too. But how can you fail at a blog? I mean, think about it. A blog is just writing down your thoughts for everyone to read. I guess it fails when people don't read them, but people rarely even listen when I talk, so it's not that big of a deal. Hmmm... Now that I think about it. I will get over the failure of my blog. It's not that big of a failure anyway. Hmmm... I kinda want some coffee but not actual coffee. I want coffee shop coffee. I wish I had more money! Oooo!!! I need to call and make an appointment with my doctor... and with my advisor. I have way too much to do. Well. I guess this is the end of this particular post. Bye.

Things I Hate But Should Probably Do Anyway

I've been thinking a lot lately about the things in life that I hate or hate doing. Sadly, those things need to be done. So I thought that I would list them out and list the reasons that I would have to do them. They are listed in no particular order. I thought about listing them from the ones I hate least to the ones I hate most or vice versa, but I couldn't figure out what I hated more or less. So random order it is.

1. Peeing. I think this is probably the one I hate the most. I absolutely hate peeing. I don't know why I hate peeing so much. Perhaps it's the vulnerability of sitting on the toilet with my pants down with no where to run if someone attacked me. That would just be embarrassing. This is how I think of it: I'm afraid that while I am going to the bathroom, someone will bust down the door and kill me. It is one thing to be naked and dead and have the popo come see you and laugh at your nakedness, it is an entirely different thing to be dead on the toilet with only your pants down and have the popo taking pictures and videos of you to post on youtube and facebook so that the whole world can laugh at you. The reason that I have to pee is because I will get kidney stones or bladder infection or burst at the seams if I don't pee. These things do not seem worth it. So I pee even though I hate it, but I hold it for as long as I can.

2. Showering. I think I hate this for the same reasons I hate peeing, but this is where the popo just laugh at your nakedness, so it's nothing like peeing. It just isn't as scary. The reason I need to take showers is to get clean. No one likes a smelly person. I would lose my boyfriend if I didn't shower. I love him too much to lose him. My love of both being clean and my boyfriend overrides my hate of showering.

3. Working. I don't think I have to explain this one. I think most normal people hate working. The reason I need to work is because I need money. Same reason as everyone else.

4. Working out. I don't like physical activity. I don't like sweating. I don't like the pain of working out. Working out is just not a happy thing. I worked out yesterday and I yelled at the machine the whole time, as if it was the machine's fault that I wasn't fit enough to do the work out. The reason that I need to work out is because I need to lose weight. I'm not fat but I still want to lose some weight.

5. Dieting. I've been trying to work out this week. I've already cheated the whole time. I can't be forced to eat certain foods. I have to eat a variety of foods that fill me up otherwise I get cranky. Everyone was commenting on how cranky I was in the first few days. Even Ryan commented on how cranky I was and I was trying to tone it down around him. The reason I should diet is the same as working out.

So far, three out of five of those things are normal. Most people hate doing those things. I can't think of anything else right now, but I will.

Bad Idea

I went shopping with one of my friends yesterday, even though I had no money. (So far you are probably thinking, "Nothing unusual there." You would be correct. It isn't unusual to go window shopping.) The great idea that I had before leaving to go shopping was to put on some heels. I chose the heels that I chose because they are comfortable. They are more like sporty heels than classy heels. I wore no socks with these heels, not even the socks that are made to be worn with heels. This was one of the worst ideas I've had in a long time. Walking in those heels for an hour and a half, my feet started to hurt. I ignored it because I figured that a little pain was just fine. I put up with the pain for a few more minutes until I could get into my car. Sadly, even though being in my car meant I could take my shoes off, I still had to drive. Luckily I only had to drive about a mile to pick up Ryan. Every push of the pedal sent shock waves up my legs. My feet were in so much pain. As soon as I got to where Ryan was, I moved from the driver's seat into the passenger's seat while I waited for Ryan to come outside. I took this time to really look at my feet. I have never seen my feet so battered. The backs of my feet were cut up. My toes were blistered. One toe had a burst blister. I tried not to cry. The pain was and still is excruciating. Little shock waves of pain keep shooting up my legs from my feet. Sitting still hurts. Standing up hurts worse. Every step I take makes me want to curl up and cry. The pain is ridiculous. If you have ever had a foot injury than you know what I am going through. I want to chop my feet off. I wish I had lortab right now. That shit is amazing. It makes you feel so loopy that the pain doesn't even matter anymore. I still technically have lortab, I guess, but it's expired. :( No fair! Well, I need to try to take care of my feet. Bye.

Working

So, I applied for some jobs when I came home for the summer. I did this last summer too and never found anything. It was very sad :( It worked out this time though :) I got a call to come in for a job interview last Thursday. On Saturday, they called me to tell me I got the job. I had my first day today.

Now, you should already know that I don't really like to talk to strangers, if you have read my earlier blog posts. Well, my new job entails that I talk to lots of people. I work at a clothing store. I have worked at a clothing store before, but it was an outlet store and they didn't expect us to actually go up to people and sell things to them. My new job wants me to go up to people that walk into the store, make them feel comfortable, find out what they are looking for, and sell things to them. My manager said, "Once you get them in the dressing room, keep them naked." Meaning that you keep on bringing them clothes to try on before they get the chance to leave the dressing room. I may not be able to do this job. So on the way to work today, I started freaking out. In fact, I threw up before I left for work. I was so nervous.

I got to work and was sent to the bank to bring in a direct deposit form. I got back and we filled out paperwork for about an hour or so. After the paperwork was done, I thought that we were going to have to try to sell things to people. I started to get nervous again. I was in for a big surprise. They had us try on jeans. That is what we did for half an hour or so. When we finished with that, we clocked out. That was my first day at work.

My job is weird though. I don't work again until Sunday and I work from six until midnight tearing apart the store. Then the store will be closed for two weeks. So basically, I have a job but I can't work for another two weeks... I need money. Oh well. I think that I will like this job, but I am still scared. I hope this all works out. I also kind of hope that I can get a second job, because I really need money. My mom wants me to take out a loan so that I can get a new car. Or a new used car. She wants me to have a car that I don't have to worry about. We worry about my car a lot.

I will keep you updated on how my job goes when I actually get to work. I have a slightly bad feeling about it, but maybe it will help me become more social and less afraid of rapists. We can only hope.

More Reasons Why I Should Not Be Allowed to Drive

So I drive a lot and while I drive, I think. We all know this. If you are new to my blog and do not know this, read this first. Also, if you are new to this blog, you may want to read this. These two posts will fill you in on what you are about to read since this is a continuation of the second post I link you to.

I was driving the other day (yesterday, I think.) and I was getting really distracted. I suddenly realized that one of the reasons that I shouldn't be allowed to drive is because I can't concentrate long enough on the road to be an effective driver. I get distracted by a great deal of things. Looking in my rearview mirrors, thinking, zoning out on the patch of pavement in front of me, texting, the construction guy holding the sign at an empty road to my right, Ryan not talking to me, a bird that flies across the sky, a cat walking on the sidewalk, and much more. Driving becomes difficult when you would much rather look at everything that you drive past and memorize every detail of that thing. Cars driving on the road with you become a thing of dreams. They don't really exist and all that matters is that the one cloud in the sky looks a lot like a unicorn. Distractions are everywhere and my mind leeches onto every single one of them.

Ryan is scared. Every time he gets in my car, he buckles his seat belt. This is normal for anyone getting in a car. What is not normal is that as he buckles his seatbelt, he thinks, "Just in case Brooke decides to kill us today." I know this because he said it out loud when he buckled his seat belt today. It made me sad. I don't think I am that bad of a driver. Yet every time I start to vear slightly toward the curb or another car or into another lane, he freaks out and starts yelling at me. I know what I was doing and we were not going to die. I veared on purpose. (I tell him and myself this every time). Today, I was backing out of a parking spot and I hit one of the metal doors that hides the big dumpsters. Ryan flipped. He was like "Now there's a huge dent in the back of your car." I have hit inanimate objects before. I do it quite often. The first day that my mom let me drive to school after I got my license, I hit the street sign on the other side of the street from our driveway. When I took my sister to her driving test, I hit a gate. When I was parking in the snow, I hit a pole. Those three did the most damage to my mom's car. With my car, I have tapped a pole while parking. It did no damage. And I have hit the garbage door. When we looked at the back of my car, there was one teeny tiny scratch on the little flipper thing on my trunk. It's not like it matters, the paint job on my car was shit to begin with. He freaked out over nothing. Maybe that's another reason I shouldn't drive. I am way to cavalier about things that normal people would freak out about and I freak out about things that normal people would handle in a cavalier and responsible way.

I will probably think of more reasons later, but for now, this is it. :)

Bored

I am sitting in my bed at eleven o'clock on a Friday night all alone with no one to talk to or anything like that. I know what you must be thinking. "It's eleven o'clock, that's pretty late. You might be sitting in your bed by now anyway." Well. That is not the case. I could be sitting at my friend's house (apartment) and talking to her. Instead, I just spent two hours watching Grey's Anatomy and Supernatural all by myself while trying to find people to talk to but no one is online and now that I am downstairs in my bedroom [actually my sister's bedroom but she is in Seattle right now so I get it!!! >:D (Evil smile)] I don't have any cell phone service so no one can even text me to keep me from being bored so I am forced to write a blog post. I had no choice. Sorry that that one sentence was so long. I got a little carried away.

So this post is going to be pretty random and go basically nowhere, but please try to bear with me.

My car is doing mean things still. It has decided to start leaking. I have no idea what it is leaking. People tell me that it is radiator fluid. Gregg tells me that radiation fluid is just antifreeze. I don't care what it is, I just want it to stop. My car is out to get me. I feel like that isn't very fair since I do my best to take care of it. I do a horrible job, but I try.

A lot of people keep telling me that I need therapy. I don't know how I feel about this. I have problems but everyone does. I was planning on trying to see a counselor about my problems with school and such but I didn't think I NEEDED therapy. Apparently I do. One person told me this after reading this blog. He thinks that I need help overcoming my paranoia and anxiety. One of my best friends thinks that I need some major help with dealing with the events of my childhood so that I can have a normal view on relationships and intimacy. One of my other best friends is in therapy and thinks that it could benefit everyone in the world. Another of my best friends was joking when she told me I needed it, but doesn't think it would hurt to go talk to a professional just to vent every now and then. My Big (Sorority Big Sister) thinks that I am perfectly fine the way that I am and that all the "haters" can just fuck off. My boyfriend doesn't think anything is seriously wrong with me and just posed the question back at me. "Do you think you need it?"

Speaking of my boyfriend. I decided I don't want to call him My Nerd. That is kinda mean and he isn't that big of a nerd and I love him so I don't want to upset him in case he ever actually reads this thing. So I need a new name for him. I thought about just calling him Boyfriend but I don't want to look like I am copying anyone. I guess I could just call him Ryan since that is his name. I guess it's settled. For now I will just call him Ryan.

My cat is trying to get into my room by clawing at the carpet under my door. He is not succeeding but I feel he will keep trying it periodically until he succeeds at getting past the giant door that is keeping him from a blissful sleep across my throat. He loves sleeping on throats. It's ridiculous.

I am so sorry for the randomness of this post. I have already jumped through four topics. My transitions suck too. I apologize.

I got an email today telling me that I am officially no longer a student at Utah State University. Thank God. (If I even believe in the big man. He's like Santa. I can't be sure.) I am so glad to no longer be going there. I was sick of being in Logan. It's such a weird small town but not small because there is a college there but small when the students are gone. I don't even know how to handle it.

Anyway, I am kind of getting tired, so I should probably go to bed. I should also probably hope that people only kind of read this FAIL of a post.