Changes

It is amazing how much can change in the matter of only a few months. Even how much feelings can change. For four years, you can love someone unconditionally; be willing to do anything for them; put them above everyone and everything else. Then in the matter of only a few months, those feelings can go from unconditional love to all encompassing hatred. Two completely opposite ends of the spectrum. I never thought I could be so consumed by hatred for someone until now. I never thought that he would have the power to hurt me more after things were over than he ever did when we were together. If this had been a normal breakup with no kids involved, I would have just said goodbye and never talked to or thought about him again. But it isn't normal. We have a kid together. It changes everything and is the very reason that I never wanted to hate him. We have to be in each others lives for the rest of them. 

During this time, my feelings have changed for another person. This one isn't as unusual in normal circumstances. People experience this all the time. The change of going from someone being a complete stranger to something more than that. My old relationship has been over now for almost three months. I have known this other person for only a month. From the beginning, there had been this intense connection between us. Even over text, we were so similar in our humor and experiences. When we talked on the phone for the first time, I could feel sparks between us; this inexplicable pull toward him. Since then, those feelings have only intensified. We haven't "gone out" much. Most of our time together is staying in. Things are just so comfortable between us. It's like we've known each other our whole lives, yet we have so much to learn about each other. It seems crazy that in only a month I have gone from barely knowing this guy to falling in... that word is still too scary and yet I feel it creeping up every time I talk to him and see him. I have to shove it down, hold it in every time we end a conversation not to end it with I l... you. I've taken to saying the little l word more often to try to keep the big l word at bay. So far it has worked, but it creeps up in my dreams, when my subconscious has the control. 

I never thought I would ever love anyone else except for Ryan. How wrong I had been. But in order to have this new relationship, everything that happened with Ryan was necessary. I wouldn't be the person I am today and would never have met this new guy, if I hadn't lobed Ryan for four years and had a child with him. I don't regret our relationship. I only regret the new feelings I have for him. I can't change those just yet, but I hope one day that we can move past it. 

Nonfunctional Human Person

You would think that after 24 years on this planet we call Earth, that I would have learned that I cannot function on less than 2 hours of sleep after being awake for 24 hours the day before. Or even just only getting 2 hours of sleep. Apparently I have not learned this very valuable life lesson because here I sit at work unable to function or speak in proper sentences and definitely unable to do my job.
It was worth staying up. I had a good time and wouldn't have traded that time for a couple extra hours of sleep. But I am definitely hurting for sleep now. The level of exhaustion that I am at right now is painful. My whole body aches, I feel like I am going to vomit, I'm away but my brain is in jumbles. The quad shot of espresso that I drank when I got here has not helped at all. I want more espresso but I know that it will only make me jittery. I think I will have some more when I go back up after my 10 is over. More espresso just sounds like a good idea. Maybe another quad shot!!
When I got to work, I was definitely pulling it together, but as the day has worn on, I have gone on a downward spiral. I even put iced coffee into someone's hot decaf coffee earlier and had to remake the whole drink. On several occasions, my coworker has told me that I need to just go home because I am a mess. I feel like a zombie. Let's just hope that exhaustion is not the first step towards eating other humans' brains. I already know that I wouldn't do well with that outcome.
I definitely need to learn when to say goodbye to whoever I am hanging out with so that I may get some much needed rest. But my social life has no time if it isn't happening when I should be sleeping. I will just have to try to make up for it tonight. Hopefully all goes well. Although I will most likely want to go to the gym early tomorrow morning. So I doubt I will be getting much sleep. Oh well. You win some, you lose some.

The Ever Confusing Game of Dating

I have recently rejoined the world of dating. I have got to say that I don't think I was ever a part of it before. So maybe what I should be saying is that I have recently decided that I would like to try this thing called dating that I have heard people are doing these days. 

After 4 years with the same person, I am now single. This is odd for me since this is the first time I have been single in 4 years. That is a very long time. And before I was even in my recent relationship, I never did much dating. I didn't have many suitors either. I am currently dating and I would like to say that it is not easy. How is it possible to like two guys at once and have at least three other guys interested in you that you could care less about even talking to nonetheless dating? Well that's kind of the boat that I am in. 

I don't know how to handle this. It's hard enough juggling conversations with multiple people. Not to mention actually going on dates with them. Add in the fact that I have a 2 year old son and 2 jobs. Holy Fuck! How do I even have time?! Somehow I'm making the time...

I've got to be honest though. I definitely am starting to prefer one guy over the other. He's very much affectionate and I have never had that. It's a nice change. Things are relaxed and carefree and COMFORTABLE. I have one known this guy for a couple weeks and I am already so comfortable with him. I am scared out of my fucking mind!! I am not used to feeling this way. Feeling so connected to someone so soon. Feeling warm and comfortable. Feeling like I could talk to and see him every day for the rest of my life and not get sick of it. What is WRONG with me?! What happened to the emotionless robot that I once was once upon a time? 

For those of you wondering what happened to the boyfriend and me, I will not go into it. All you need to know is that I lost weight and became super confident and decided I was done with bull shit. I deserve everything awesome because let's face it, I am fucking AWESOME!! I am now a hot single mom and I am definitely not hurting for dates. But I still do not know how to date. I never did it before. I've pretty much been a serial monogamist my whole dating life. Except the few hook-ups I've had and those weren't dates and never went anywhere and had no emotional ties involved whatsoever. What do you do when you have emotions? Yes, I am asking about emotions. I'm not used to having them. The fact that I had moved on from my baby's father as soon as I decided to end things tells you how little emotion I have. And now my emotions are leaking through and they want anything they can get their hands on. Someone make it STOP! Emotions are too scary.

I think I went on a tangent far away from my original intention of thus particular blog post. It has also been awhile since I've been part of this blogging game so please forgive my scatter brain. Although, let's face it, I have always been a bit scatter brained with my posts. I'm easing back into this just fine :) I hope you enjoyed reading. I promise to try to be more consistent now. But as I stated earlier, I am a single mom of a toddler working two jobs and dating. I don't know where I'm finding time to do any of that, plus being a blogger. We'll just have to see how well I do with getting back on both horses. 

Wish me luck!!!

Torrential Downpour

This morning it decided to rain and rain a lot. I am the type of person who normally loves rain, but driving in rain is the hard part. I have come to a couple of conclusions after driving in the rain today.
1. Windshield wipers suck.
2. The freeway has a good part and a bad part.

Why do windshield wipers suck? Well because they have three speeds: super slow, regular, and super fast. Super slow is the one that goes up and down, hesitates for 30 seconds and then goes again. This is the perfect speed for a light drizzle; the kind that you barely even feel when you are walking in it. Regular goes up and down, hesitates for a half a second, and goes again. Regular is perfect for the heavier rain when you are driving on the road or on the good part of the freeway (more on that later in this post). Super fast goes up and down repeatedly without ever hesitating. this one is perfect for the bad part of the freeway. The problem is that there is a down pour that lighter than heavy rain and heavier than a light drizzle. The super slow speed doesn't clear the windshield fast enough. The regular speed clears it so fast that the wipers drag across the windshield. There needs to be a slow speed that hesitates for five seconds.

The freeway has a good part and a bad part. The good part is asphalt that somehow absorbs the rain. You can't even tell that it's raining there except for what is falling on your windshield from the sky. The bad part of the freeway is mad of some concrete or something that lets the rain build on top of it so that as you are driving, the cars in front of you push more rain onto your windshield. This causes you to basically be blind. They should make the freeway all the asphalty stuff that absorbs the rain.

I have three solutions that would make driving in rain better. The first would be to make more windshield wiper speeds. The second would be to make all the freeway the same thing. The last would be to put an umbrella on the top of cars to keep the rain from falling onto them. Then we would just have to worry about the kickback but if the freeway was fixed, then that wouldn't matter. I like the umbrella idea the best.

3 Months

Alright, I am a failure at blogging but I will try to be better from now on. I missed Karson's two month update. I will try to incorporate it into his three month update that I am doing right now.
At two months Karson weighed about twelve pounds and was 24 inches long. He was a big boy. He had just started to really smile. He hated tummy time with a passion. He was still not really into moving around. He liked to squirm but he wasn't exactly active.

Now that Karson is three months old, he is always moving around. He can basically sit up by himself, he loves watching football with his daddy. He still hates tummy time, but he'll get over it. He finally found his thumb and sucks it all the time. He laughs now. When he's away from Ryan and I for a day, he smiles like crazy when he sees us. He loves to "talk" and he does it more than ever. I bought him and exersaucer and he plays in it. He is finally learning that if he hits it, it makes noise. He now eats eight ounces of formula per feeding, it used to be four. He has little baby man boobs. I love this little boy more than anything in the whole wide world.

When Karson turned two months old, I went back to work at Beans and Brews and started to work at Babies R Us. I was lucky to have a day off. There was a bunch of drama at beans and brews so a week ago, I put in my two weeks. Tuesday was my last day. I now work only at Babies and school starts tomorrow so it will be perfect.

We also got our family pictures done right after Christmas. I was so happy to finally get them done. Ryan refused to cut his hair, but they turned out pretty good still. This one was my favorite!

Not Just My Decision Anymore

Now that I have a baby, all of my decisions need to factor him in. I can't just make a decision to do something without first considering how it will effect Karson. This makes all of my difficult life decisions that much more difficult. My most recent difficult decision: Whether to go back to work or not and where to go if I do.

My Options:
Go back to work. This is split into two subcategories: Beans and Brews or Babies R Us. Pros of B&B: I could work early in the morning or late in the afternoon which would ensure that I have someone to watch Karson. I've worked there for a year now and so I know they will work with my schedule. I applied for the assistant manager though this is only a plus if I get the position. Cons of B&B: Everyone that I have worked with so far has left or plans to leave. Beans doesn't always take very good care of its employees. I would have to continue to drive all the way down to Murray to work. Pros of Babies R Us:  It is much closer to my house than Beans. It sounds like they treat their employees better. If I get a discount, then I would be able to get everything that Karson might need. I would be making a definite $7.75 rather than a definite $6.90. Cons of Babies R Us: They are looking to fill their 11-6 or 10-7 shifts which would possibly mean leaving Karson with a stranger or taking him to a day care; I don't trust either of those yet.
 Go back to work only on the weekends. This would not work with Beans and Brews. There is no way I could do just weekends there as a supervisor or assistant manager and I do not want to be demoted to a barista. This might work with Babies R Us and maybe I could do weekends and one day during the week. I'll have to ask at my interview today. Con of only working weekends: Not enough money. I need money to continue to pay my bills and to pay for medical bills (having a baby is expensive).
Become a stay at home mom and have Ryan pick up a second job. Pros: I wouldn't be worried that Karson was in the wrong hands. I would be able to focus on school. Cons: I would feel bad that Ryan was doing all of the work. I am not comfortable with Ryan paying for all my bills (we aren't married so he doesn't owe me that). I would never really have help with Karson. I would rarely get to see Ryan.

Now Taking all of that into consideration, most of my options have several cons associated with them.  I really have to think about what is best for Ryan, Karson, and myself. For me, I really want to go back to work. I need to be able to get out of the house and do something productive occasionally. It is the only thing that will keep me sane. For Ryan, I don't think he really cares. He was the one who told me to just stay home and he'll get a second job. He also told me to just go to work and take Karson to day care. Most day cares don't take babies under a certain age so that poses a problem. Ryan is no help. For Karson, I really don't know what's best for him. I feel that being with his mom is important but if I'm stressed and unhappy, he will be too. So how do I make a decision that will be best for all of us? This would be a little easier if I knew that Costco could either give Ryan a set schedule or if I got a set schedule, they would work with Ryan to schedule him around that. But they don't or maybe Ryan just doesn't want to. Either way, that makes it harder for me to go back to work. If I knew that Ryan's days off would always be Monday and Friday or that he would always work after three on Wednesday, then I could ask for my schedule to work with his schedule. But his schedule stays relatively the same for a while and then suddenly changes. I never know when he'll work and it even changes as he's working. How am I supposed to go back to work when his schedule is so unreliable? Hell, how is he supposed to get a second job? I'm even more confused as to what to do now than I was before this post. I am open for suggestions from anyone that has them. I don't know how to make this decision.

One Month

On October 3, 2012, at 11:31, after 14 hours of labor and two and a half hours of pushing, I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy. Karson Michael Gordon weighed 7 pounds 1 ounce and measured at 19-1/2 inches long. He was perfect and perfectly healthy. I watched Ryan cry as he stood by my side waiting for our baby to be cleaned. I told him that he could go be by our son; he didn't have to stand next to me; I'd be ok. Karson screamed until they finally placed him next to me while I was getting stitched up. As soon as he heard my voice he quieted down. I asked him if he was hungry. He made a tiny sound that sounded like he was saying "yeah".

We spent two days in the hospital. Coming home was a little difficult. The first two days home, Ryan and I tried to sleep at night with Karson in the bassinet next to the bed. We didn't get any sleep. We worked out a sleep schedule. I sleep first and then Ryan sleeps. The person who is awake stays upstairs with Karson sleeping in the boppy pillow on the couch next to us. Now we both get more sleep, though I still get less than Ryan does. I have to wake up to feed Karson when he gets hungry.

It is hard to believe that it has already been a month since I brought Karson home from the hospital. He is still so tiny although he is getting bigger every day. At two weeks, he already weighed 8 pounds.

The top picture is Karson the day we brought him home sleeping in his boppy pillow. The bottom picture is him today. 

Being a mom is such a different experience. It is hard not to get frustrated sometimes, but no matter what, I love Karson with all my heart.

And the baby is...

A BOY!!! That's right. I am going to have a little, adorable baby boy. It's pretty exciting. We went to the ultrasound on Friday and when the ultrasound lady said, "You're having a boy. Look, there's his little scrotum and his little penis." I looked up at the screen and I could not see it but I took her word for it. Then she moved down by this legs and he opened them up and there it was. It was undeniable. It is definitely a boy with his teeny tiny peanut. Afterward my boyfriend made a comment that was a little inappropriate but super funny. He said, "Now you will always have a penis inside you." At least for the next five months this will be true.

Now we need to come up with a name. Ryan is no help in this part. He constantly shoots out names that are ridiculous. Like Perseus and Ichigo. With a name like Perseus our kid will constantly be made fun of. With a name like Ichigo, every time a new teacher takes role, they will see his name and immediately start searching for an Asian kid. They will not find one. Instead it will be the little white kid. Not gonna happen. Of course, every name that I mention, Ryan shoots down. Jensen. "That's a gay name." Shawn. "I don't want to name our kid after that fat ass." We just cannot agree to anything. Of course, the names that he mentioned were just jokes. The only name that he has seriously suggested and really wants is Brady. After Tom Brady. I don't know how I feel about this name. It's cute for a little kid but what about when he grows up? Will he still want that name? Will he want a more manly name? Should we plan for a name that can be shortened to a cute little kid nickname but is also an adult name? This is way too hard. If anyone has suggestions, I will take them.

One in a Million

"You're pregnant." When I heard these words three months ago, I could barely believe it. There's no way that I could be pregnant, I thought. I was on the IUD. That in an of itself is supposed to prevent pregnancy. Plus my boyfriend always pulled out. We literally had a one in a million chance to get pregnant. We should have been playing the lottery instead of having sex. We would have had much better results. The worst part was that my twenty first birthday was coming up in a month. Now I'm never going to be able to drink, I thought.
Here I am, sixteen weeks into my pregnancy and I can still barely believe it. Even with the ultrasound from week seven and hearing the heartbeat two weeks ago. It still doesn't make sense. Although I guess it does explain the nausea, vomiting, fatigue, super huge and tender breasts, and the rampant emotions. My poor boyfriend has had to put up with so much these past few months. I'm surprised he hasn't ripped my head off yet. He hasn't even turned twenty yet, I'm the person he lost his virginity to, and now he's going to have a baby. Though, lucky him, he doesn't have to push it through his gains in about six months. Nope. That'll be me. I'll be the one screaming at the top of my lungs in absolute agony while he stands there and lets me squeeze the life out of his hand. He'll also have to deal with me cursing him for putting me in that situation, but that is a small price to pay for not having to give birth to a huge as baby. Something that big is not meant to come out of something that small. It doesn't seem fair, but I guess there is no going back now.

My name is Brooke and I am a...

The first step to recovery is admitting that you have a problem. I am taking my first step to recovery and admitting that I have a problem. I am also taking the second step and seeking help.

I bet you are wondering what exactly my problem is. And if you aren't wondering, then pretend you are because I am going to tell you anyway. My problem is that I have a tendency to skip my classes. You may be thinking, "That's not a bad problem." I don't think you understand the severity of my problem. I don't just skip on class every now and then. I don't just skip a few classes a month. I sometimes skip an entire week of classes. I sometimes even get all the way to campus and then talk myself out of going to class. This usually happens if I arrive to school super early. Or if I am running late to school. It's a severe problem.

I'm thinking about starting a support group. Please feel free to join if you have this problem too. Your problem may not be as severe as mine but it is still a problem and you should get some help. I'm here for you. Together we can beat this thing. I have faith in you even though I have no faith in myself. I wish all of you luck with defeating this problem. :D

School Boredom

I just started going to a school called SLCC. I transferred here from USU. I did this because I wanted to be closer to my friends and Ryan and I wanted to be able to force myself to do better in school. I didn't realize how bored I would be at school. So far I have one friend that goes here too that I can hang with in between classes. Of course, he has a three hour class right now and I have three more hours until my next class.

The other problem is that my school and work are in Murray when I live in Sandy. That's about a twenty to thirty minute drive. Not too bad, but also not worth driving home when I have six hours between my first and second class. You would think that it would be worth it because it's a whole six hours. You would be wrong.
That's a lot of gas and I don't have the money to do that. Even with my job.

 I didn't mind having a six hour gap when I signed up for classes because at the time I thought Ryan and I would be moving into our apartment before school starts. It turns out that we aren't even moving to that apartment and he wants to wait until October. That's fine with me. It just means that between my classes, I'm going to want to tear my hair out and claw out my eyes from lack of things to do.

I would just play on my iPod for the three hours or so that I have to be all alone, but my iPod is dead and I don't really have a way to charge it. Why don't I have a way to charge it? Because my sister hates me and took away her charger and I don't have one of my own. All I can use is my computer and if you are new to my blog, read the post before this one to understand why using my computer is not really a good idea.

So I really only have a few small choices at this point. I can read. (Usually I would love to do this and would curl up with a book for hours and be fine, but lately I have been unable to get in the mood for reading. I'm burnt out.) I can find somewhere to go to hang out that isn't school. (The gas problem still gets in the way here.) I could hang out with Ryan between classes. (This only works if he doesn't have to go to work. Today he works from eleven til five thirty. I had class til 11:15 and have class at five thirty.) Sit on a computer at school. This is what I am doing right now, but these aren't the best computers in the world. Oh well. At least it helps a little to suppress my immense boredom. The sad thing is that I wish I had homework.

It's raining really hard outside right now and the wind is blowing like crazy. I'm glad that I am inside the safety and comfort of this building. (I just reread that sentence and got confused. I hope it makes sense to you. In case it doesn't, let me rephrase. I'm glad that I am inside. I think that makes more sense :) You are welcome for my clarifying that for you.)

Ten more minutes until my friend gets out of class. Possibly twenty minutes left of being alone. At least for a little while. Then back to being alone for almost two hours. :P

I doubt you want to hear me complain anymore. So Goodbye. 

I Hate My Computer

Which is why I have not posted anything in a very long time.
It's loud and slow and I feel like it is going to break at any moment.
I also haven't had much time to post lately. (That is only partially a lie.) In a way I have not had much time. If I don't get a job here very soon though, I will have lots of time. Ryan now has two jobs. Which means that I will be seeing a lot less of him for awhile. So I hope that I get two jobs. Then school will start and I really won't have much time to write on this blog, but I will have lots to blog about and therefore I will make time and my blogs will be epically (sp?) amazing and everyone will love and read them and I will become famous. (I think I may be putting too much pressure on one little blog that has only gotten about seventy hits in its entire lifetime. Poor blog doesn't stand a chance.) The sad thing is that I actually do have a few posts planned out. I just haven't gotten around to doing the work that they require to make them work.
Well... This was really all I had to say for now. I apologize to the few fans that I have out there. I am a huge disappointment. I would feel worse if you guys were actually following me, but seeing as I only have one follower and I know that she doesn't really read my blog, I don't feel too bad.

First Day Blunder

It has been a long time since my last blog. I apologize for that. I've been so busy with work and Ryan. I like being busy with Ryan. I am no longer busy with work. I am pretty sure I was fired. Let me tell you how my first day went and why I think I was fired.

My first few days didn't really count because we were just remodeling the store. That was the easy part of my job. It was going well. I was bonding with the other employees. Especially the other two Brookes. I kept thinking, "Wow! This job is going to be great!" Then the first day I had to work after the remodel was here. I was so nervous. I spent all my time before going to work getting ready. I put on more make up than usual. I wore a dress that I had bought the day before and matching jewelry. I straightened my hair and put a ribbon in it. I looked so cute. Not to brag about myself. I'll put a picture up at the end of this post. I got to work and was still way nervous. There were already a couple of customers in the store. Luckily they were already being helped so I had time to try to collect myself before having to jump into work.

I have already mentioned how much I hate talking to strangers and how nervous I was for work in my past posts.

It came time for me to actually step up and do my job. A customer came into the store. I walked up to her and with all I could muster I said Hello. It came out in a tiny scared voice that was barely audible. I tried again. It came out a little louder. She said hello back. I asked how she was doing today. She was doing well. "Can I help you find anything?" "No I'm just browsing." "Let me know if I can help you find anything." BAD!!! You never say that to a customer. You ask them more questions. My manager came over and told me that. Next customer comes in. Same thing up until the "just browsing." "Well, are you looking for more tops or bottoms?" BETTER!!! "I'm just looking!" *Cowers in fear* Fail again. Then came the third customer. Same questions. "I just got a promotion at my job, so I'm looking for something professional." SCORE!!! I helped her find two outfits. The total came to a hundred dollars. Only $150 to go to reach my goal of the day. The next hour didn't go too well. It went  just like the first few customers. I was sent home an hour early with the words "This is your warning. Next time you come to work, you need to do better or you won't be working here anymore." I went home sad and scared. Picked up Ryan still sad. I went through the rest of the week freaking out about my job and worrying that I would get fired. On Wednesday I got a call from Beans and Brews about an interview. I think I rocked it. I got a call for a second interview that same day. I should find out by tomorrow If I got the job. On Saturday I called Vanity to find out what my schedule was. I am no longer on the schedule. What do you guys think? Do you think that means that I don't have the job anymore? I think it does. Well. I just hope I got the job at Beans and Brews.

Here's the picture I promised you. See how cute I was. And I took this picture at like ten or eleven at night. I looked much cuter earlier that day.

UPDATE: I lost that job.... Currently searching for a new one. 

Blogs

So when I decided to write a blog, I thought a few things.
1. I would have lots of time to spend on writing it.
2. I would have a lot to talk about.
3. People would enjoy reading what I write.
4. I would soon become really popular.

This is what ended up happening.
1. I came home and ended up with more of a life than I had before. Mostly spending time with my boyfriend.
2. My life isn't all that interesting now that I don't have to worry about taking care of myself.
3. I'm lucky if I get one page view in a day.
4. Same as number 3.

This is a disappointment that I am not sure I can get over. All of my dreams ride on this blog. Ok. So that is an over exaggeration. My dreams and future do not rely on this blog. I plan on being a teacher/writer. The plan to be a writer is being shot down by my fear that I will fail. Yet I keep writing this blog even though I fear I will fail at it too. But how can you fail at a blog? I mean, think about it. A blog is just writing down your thoughts for everyone to read. I guess it fails when people don't read them, but people rarely even listen when I talk, so it's not that big of a deal. Hmmm... Now that I think about it. I will get over the failure of my blog. It's not that big of a failure anyway. Hmmm... I kinda want some coffee but not actual coffee. I want coffee shop coffee. I wish I had more money! Oooo!!! I need to call and make an appointment with my doctor... and with my advisor. I have way too much to do. Well. I guess this is the end of this particular post. Bye.

Things I Hate But Should Probably Do Anyway

I've been thinking a lot lately about the things in life that I hate or hate doing. Sadly, those things need to be done. So I thought that I would list them out and list the reasons that I would have to do them. They are listed in no particular order. I thought about listing them from the ones I hate least to the ones I hate most or vice versa, but I couldn't figure out what I hated more or less. So random order it is.

1. Peeing. I think this is probably the one I hate the most. I absolutely hate peeing. I don't know why I hate peeing so much. Perhaps it's the vulnerability of sitting on the toilet with my pants down with no where to run if someone attacked me. That would just be embarrassing. This is how I think of it: I'm afraid that while I am going to the bathroom, someone will bust down the door and kill me. It is one thing to be naked and dead and have the popo come see you and laugh at your nakedness, it is an entirely different thing to be dead on the toilet with only your pants down and have the popo taking pictures and videos of you to post on youtube and facebook so that the whole world can laugh at you. The reason that I have to pee is because I will get kidney stones or bladder infection or burst at the seams if I don't pee. These things do not seem worth it. So I pee even though I hate it, but I hold it for as long as I can.

2. Showering. I think I hate this for the same reasons I hate peeing, but this is where the popo just laugh at your nakedness, so it's nothing like peeing. It just isn't as scary. The reason I need to take showers is to get clean. No one likes a smelly person. I would lose my boyfriend if I didn't shower. I love him too much to lose him. My love of both being clean and my boyfriend overrides my hate of showering.

3. Working. I don't think I have to explain this one. I think most normal people hate working. The reason I need to work is because I need money. Same reason as everyone else.

4. Working out. I don't like physical activity. I don't like sweating. I don't like the pain of working out. Working out is just not a happy thing. I worked out yesterday and I yelled at the machine the whole time, as if it was the machine's fault that I wasn't fit enough to do the work out. The reason that I need to work out is because I need to lose weight. I'm not fat but I still want to lose some weight.

5. Dieting. I've been trying to work out this week. I've already cheated the whole time. I can't be forced to eat certain foods. I have to eat a variety of foods that fill me up otherwise I get cranky. Everyone was commenting on how cranky I was in the first few days. Even Ryan commented on how cranky I was and I was trying to tone it down around him. The reason I should diet is the same as working out.

So far, three out of five of those things are normal. Most people hate doing those things. I can't think of anything else right now, but I will.

Bad Idea

I went shopping with one of my friends yesterday, even though I had no money. (So far you are probably thinking, "Nothing unusual there." You would be correct. It isn't unusual to go window shopping.) The great idea that I had before leaving to go shopping was to put on some heels. I chose the heels that I chose because they are comfortable. They are more like sporty heels than classy heels. I wore no socks with these heels, not even the socks that are made to be worn with heels. This was one of the worst ideas I've had in a long time. Walking in those heels for an hour and a half, my feet started to hurt. I ignored it because I figured that a little pain was just fine. I put up with the pain for a few more minutes until I could get into my car. Sadly, even though being in my car meant I could take my shoes off, I still had to drive. Luckily I only had to drive about a mile to pick up Ryan. Every push of the pedal sent shock waves up my legs. My feet were in so much pain. As soon as I got to where Ryan was, I moved from the driver's seat into the passenger's seat while I waited for Ryan to come outside. I took this time to really look at my feet. I have never seen my feet so battered. The backs of my feet were cut up. My toes were blistered. One toe had a burst blister. I tried not to cry. The pain was and still is excruciating. Little shock waves of pain keep shooting up my legs from my feet. Sitting still hurts. Standing up hurts worse. Every step I take makes me want to curl up and cry. The pain is ridiculous. If you have ever had a foot injury than you know what I am going through. I want to chop my feet off. I wish I had lortab right now. That shit is amazing. It makes you feel so loopy that the pain doesn't even matter anymore. I still technically have lortab, I guess, but it's expired. :( No fair! Well, I need to try to take care of my feet. Bye.

Working

So, I applied for some jobs when I came home for the summer. I did this last summer too and never found anything. It was very sad :( It worked out this time though :) I got a call to come in for a job interview last Thursday. On Saturday, they called me to tell me I got the job. I had my first day today.

Now, you should already know that I don't really like to talk to strangers, if you have read my earlier blog posts. Well, my new job entails that I talk to lots of people. I work at a clothing store. I have worked at a clothing store before, but it was an outlet store and they didn't expect us to actually go up to people and sell things to them. My new job wants me to go up to people that walk into the store, make them feel comfortable, find out what they are looking for, and sell things to them. My manager said, "Once you get them in the dressing room, keep them naked." Meaning that you keep on bringing them clothes to try on before they get the chance to leave the dressing room. I may not be able to do this job. So on the way to work today, I started freaking out. In fact, I threw up before I left for work. I was so nervous.

I got to work and was sent to the bank to bring in a direct deposit form. I got back and we filled out paperwork for about an hour or so. After the paperwork was done, I thought that we were going to have to try to sell things to people. I started to get nervous again. I was in for a big surprise. They had us try on jeans. That is what we did for half an hour or so. When we finished with that, we clocked out. That was my first day at work.

My job is weird though. I don't work again until Sunday and I work from six until midnight tearing apart the store. Then the store will be closed for two weeks. So basically, I have a job but I can't work for another two weeks... I need money. Oh well. I think that I will like this job, but I am still scared. I hope this all works out. I also kind of hope that I can get a second job, because I really need money. My mom wants me to take out a loan so that I can get a new car. Or a new used car. She wants me to have a car that I don't have to worry about. We worry about my car a lot.

I will keep you updated on how my job goes when I actually get to work. I have a slightly bad feeling about it, but maybe it will help me become more social and less afraid of rapists. We can only hope.

More Reasons Why I Should Not Be Allowed to Drive

So I drive a lot and while I drive, I think. We all know this. If you are new to my blog and do not know this, read this first. Also, if you are new to this blog, you may want to read this. These two posts will fill you in on what you are about to read since this is a continuation of the second post I link you to.

I was driving the other day (yesterday, I think.) and I was getting really distracted. I suddenly realized that one of the reasons that I shouldn't be allowed to drive is because I can't concentrate long enough on the road to be an effective driver. I get distracted by a great deal of things. Looking in my rearview mirrors, thinking, zoning out on the patch of pavement in front of me, texting, the construction guy holding the sign at an empty road to my right, Ryan not talking to me, a bird that flies across the sky, a cat walking on the sidewalk, and much more. Driving becomes difficult when you would much rather look at everything that you drive past and memorize every detail of that thing. Cars driving on the road with you become a thing of dreams. They don't really exist and all that matters is that the one cloud in the sky looks a lot like a unicorn. Distractions are everywhere and my mind leeches onto every single one of them.

Ryan is scared. Every time he gets in my car, he buckles his seat belt. This is normal for anyone getting in a car. What is not normal is that as he buckles his seatbelt, he thinks, "Just in case Brooke decides to kill us today." I know this because he said it out loud when he buckled his seat belt today. It made me sad. I don't think I am that bad of a driver. Yet every time I start to vear slightly toward the curb or another car or into another lane, he freaks out and starts yelling at me. I know what I was doing and we were not going to die. I veared on purpose. (I tell him and myself this every time). Today, I was backing out of a parking spot and I hit one of the metal doors that hides the big dumpsters. Ryan flipped. He was like "Now there's a huge dent in the back of your car." I have hit inanimate objects before. I do it quite often. The first day that my mom let me drive to school after I got my license, I hit the street sign on the other side of the street from our driveway. When I took my sister to her driving test, I hit a gate. When I was parking in the snow, I hit a pole. Those three did the most damage to my mom's car. With my car, I have tapped a pole while parking. It did no damage. And I have hit the garbage door. When we looked at the back of my car, there was one teeny tiny scratch on the little flipper thing on my trunk. It's not like it matters, the paint job on my car was shit to begin with. He freaked out over nothing. Maybe that's another reason I shouldn't drive. I am way to cavalier about things that normal people would freak out about and I freak out about things that normal people would handle in a cavalier and responsible way.

I will probably think of more reasons later, but for now, this is it. :)

Bored

I am sitting in my bed at eleven o'clock on a Friday night all alone with no one to talk to or anything like that. I know what you must be thinking. "It's eleven o'clock, that's pretty late. You might be sitting in your bed by now anyway." Well. That is not the case. I could be sitting at my friend's house (apartment) and talking to her. Instead, I just spent two hours watching Grey's Anatomy and Supernatural all by myself while trying to find people to talk to but no one is online and now that I am downstairs in my bedroom [actually my sister's bedroom but she is in Seattle right now so I get it!!! >:D (Evil smile)] I don't have any cell phone service so no one can even text me to keep me from being bored so I am forced to write a blog post. I had no choice. Sorry that that one sentence was so long. I got a little carried away.

So this post is going to be pretty random and go basically nowhere, but please try to bear with me.

My car is doing mean things still. It has decided to start leaking. I have no idea what it is leaking. People tell me that it is radiator fluid. Gregg tells me that radiation fluid is just antifreeze. I don't care what it is, I just want it to stop. My car is out to get me. I feel like that isn't very fair since I do my best to take care of it. I do a horrible job, but I try.

A lot of people keep telling me that I need therapy. I don't know how I feel about this. I have problems but everyone does. I was planning on trying to see a counselor about my problems with school and such but I didn't think I NEEDED therapy. Apparently I do. One person told me this after reading this blog. He thinks that I need help overcoming my paranoia and anxiety. One of my best friends thinks that I need some major help with dealing with the events of my childhood so that I can have a normal view on relationships and intimacy. One of my other best friends is in therapy and thinks that it could benefit everyone in the world. Another of my best friends was joking when she told me I needed it, but doesn't think it would hurt to go talk to a professional just to vent every now and then. My Big (Sorority Big Sister) thinks that I am perfectly fine the way that I am and that all the "haters" can just fuck off. My boyfriend doesn't think anything is seriously wrong with me and just posed the question back at me. "Do you think you need it?"

Speaking of my boyfriend. I decided I don't want to call him My Nerd. That is kinda mean and he isn't that big of a nerd and I love him so I don't want to upset him in case he ever actually reads this thing. So I need a new name for him. I thought about just calling him Boyfriend but I don't want to look like I am copying anyone. I guess I could just call him Ryan since that is his name. I guess it's settled. For now I will just call him Ryan.

My cat is trying to get into my room by clawing at the carpet under my door. He is not succeeding but I feel he will keep trying it periodically until he succeeds at getting past the giant door that is keeping him from a blissful sleep across my throat. He loves sleeping on throats. It's ridiculous.

I am so sorry for the randomness of this post. I have already jumped through four topics. My transitions suck too. I apologize.

I got an email today telling me that I am officially no longer a student at Utah State University. Thank God. (If I even believe in the big man. He's like Santa. I can't be sure.) I am so glad to no longer be going there. I was sick of being in Logan. It's such a weird small town but not small because there is a college there but small when the students are gone. I don't even know how to handle it.

Anyway, I am kind of getting tired, so I should probably go to bed. I should also probably hope that people only kind of read this FAIL of a post.

Why I Should Not Own a Car or Be Allowed to Drive

I decided that it was a good idea to drive back to Salt Lake from Logan tonight at about 9 PM. I don't know why I thought this was the best idea ever since I am paranoid even during the day.

Do you remember that service engine light that came on in my car on my way back to Logan yesterday? Well it was still there tonight. This was enough to make me paranoid, but right after I put some gas in my car, the oil light blinked. Just once. But it was enough to send me into a spiral of paranoia in which I believed I would end up dead before I ever reached my destination.

I immediately called my friend, Gregg. He lives in Logan and he knows all about cars. He didn't answer. Fuck. I kept heading toward the canyon and impending doom. He called me back right before I got to the canyon. He called just in time for me to take a left turn at Wellsville and head to his workplace so that he could give me some oil. I got there in relatively one piece. I was surprised that I was even able to find the place because I had trouble listening when he gave me directions. He gave me the oil quickly because he had to get back to work. I was left to the task of putting the oil in my car. I had watched him do this enough times that I knew what to do. I went back to my car, opened the hood and reached out to open the oil cap. I am a weak little girl. I spent five minutes twisting and turning that cap in different directions. It would not come off. I called Gregg again and apologized vehemently. He came out, ran to my car, touched the cap and it came off in his hands. I was in such shock that I was forced to yell out my thank you to his quickly retreating back. I put the oil in my car and went on my way. My hands smelled awful. (I think I will try to draw a picture to show you Gregg's magical powers.)

As soon as I was back on the road, the service engine light turned off. I was so relieved. I started to think about what would happen if a cop pulled me over for texting. (I think about getting pulled over a lot). Anyway. I was cruising along perfectly happy about having temporarily fixed my car. I was suddenly struck with fear. My tires are going to blow out while I am driving and I will DIE. I started to panic. Hyperventilating included. I could see it happening. I pictured the entire scene. I knew that I was going to die and I was only thirty miles away from my exit and home. I would never make it. I might as well give up now.

I realize that this is very irrational. My tires are fine. There is nothing wrong with my tires. There were just bumps in the road that made my car bob like that. But I do not think rationally while I am driving.

I finally made it to my exit. I had to stop at the light. When the light finally turned green, I hit the gas. My car hesitated for a second. The service engine light came back on.